Dreaming in a Hell Hole

Chapter One - : “A new royal family, a wild Nobility, We are the family”

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 14:51:36 GMT

To understand the story I’m about to tell you, you would have to understand the Murray family.
Or at least give trying to understand them a wild shot.
Shamus Murray migrated to Scotland from Ireland in the late 1890’s. No one knows why. There, he married young Scottish lass named Aggie. They had four sons, one of whom moved to Canada in 1913. David Murray eventually married a Canadian native and had a son of his own, whom he named Kurt. Kurt married in his twenties after moving to Los Angeles, California, where he had two children, Michael and Mary Catherine. Michael traveled around Chicago and New York, eventually getting work as a bit player in the Second City improvisational comedy troupe, where he met a young half Italian, half Jewish actress named Noreen Steward. They married in 1969. Noreen retired from acting in 1971 when she gave birth to their first child, a very pretty blonde daughter they named Cecilia Marie. Mike continued to travel around with Second City until the late seventies, when he decided it was time for more steady work after Noreen had given birth to a third child (their son, William Gus, was born in 1973). He lucked out by becoming one of the writers on a sketch comedy television series. The show as a rousing success. There, he met and mentored another up and coming comedy writer, Freddie Alan, and the two became fast and best friends. By 1983, Noreen had given birth to their last child (she gave pregnancy one last shot, hoping to give Gus a brother. She had another girl, whom they named Courtney, and promptly gave up bearing children).
Noreen had three brothers. Her oldest brother Joe, became a talent agent in the mid seventies, specializing in helping stand up comics get their starts in show business. He had one daughter in 1967 named Alison. Her next oldest brother, Harold (or Uncle Harry, as Cecilia referred to him) was a family lawyer, specializing in child custody cases. He had three children, a daughter with his first wife (Erin, who was born in 1975) and two sons with his second wife (Peter and Steven, born in 1991 and 1993, respectively). Then, there was her twin brother, Louis.
Lou is an interesting figure. He has a unique and annoying ability to see everything complete and utterly wrong with the world just by waking up in the morning, and it makes him horribly neurotic. He was married once – to a woman he met while loaded on Nyquil. He had a horrible cold one Winter and spent the entire weekend taking Nyquil shots. He woke up in Vegas married to a woman he met while trying to stand on his head in the middle of Black Jack room at the Orleans. The marriage was annulled less than a year later, and thankfully, they never had any children.
While Lou seems at first glance to be the token “Family Neurotic”, his brothers do not help matters any. Joe tends to feed it every once in awhile (for example, after watching the movie “Signs”, Lou sat on the couch with Cecilia’s daughter Jo and Gus’s daughter Beth, wearing aluminum foil hats on their heads to keep aliens from controlling their minds. One can blame Joe for this, since he’s the one that told Lou that the movie was more of a documentary than a work of fiction. One could also blame Lou for being stupid enough to believe anything Joe tells him); Uncle Harry tends to say the most bizarre, off the wall remarks with a straight face, that you never know whether he’s joking or serious.
For example:
“There’s something seriously wrong with Gus,” Cecilia observed aloud during dinner one night. Courtney snorted. “Besides the obvious?” she retorted.
“What’s wrong with him?” Uncle Harry asked, as Gus managed to come out of his shell long enough to flip his youngest sister off. “He hasn’t moved from that spot on MY couch in three days,” Cecilia replied, “he stinks more than he normally does...”
“Ah,” Uncle Harry said thoughtfully, “he’s probably dead. Lack of physical movement, relaxed attitudes toward personal hygiene. All he needs is coins on his eyelids and it’s pretty much a done deal.”
While his daughter Erin stared at him and Jo continued to giggle, Courtney got up and put two pennies on Gus’s eyelids. “For gods sake Courtney,” Cecilia snickered, “don’t do that, he still hasn’t willed me is stereo.”
To which Gus replied, “Fuck you.”

And on the other side of the family, is Mike Murray. Mike is an extremely nice man, but very, very strange. This is a man, who, when under a great deal of stress, seems to merge into one of the many characters he’s either created or performed in his many years of being in the comedy business. His favorite is a cranky Scottish blues singer, who tries to make scones (and fails, making only door stops) and flirts with under aged girls. (A character he modeled after his grandfather, although David Murray’s attempts at scones didn’t turn to door stops; they were more like Silly Putty). His sister Cathie tends to be classified as “normal”, although she will, when requested, do a flawless imitation of Katherine Hepburn. Cathie Lipmann makes her living doing horror movies. However, she’s only popular in Europe, where they consider her the B-Horror Movie Queen, and she has a huge cult following. Her biggest pet peeve is being called “Mary Kate” (her full name being Mary Catherine), something that Cecilia’s daughter Joann does just to shake things up.
And now, we move on to the Murray kids.
Looking at Cecilia, the way she acts, the way she can flip moods in the blink of an eye, there are only two things you need to know about her. One, she’s the first born. She has had the amazing responsibility since her brother Gus was born in 1973, of looking at for him, of setting an example of him, and even more so when Wendy and Courtney were born.
The second: She’s a Scorpio. One of the most passionate, hard headed, creative geniuses of the Astrological chart. Now, add that with having to hold a lot of those feelings in for everyone else’s benefit and you get…well, Cecilia.
Cecilia is a single mom. She has a teenage daughter named Joann, and an autistic ten year old named Harry. Joann’s father, James Ewell, disappeared just after she turned a year old. Cecilia ran off and married him in 1992, just one day after the Margie Alan’s funeral, after finding out she was pregnant. A couple of years later, without bothering to obtain a divorce, she met and hooked up with an ex meth user named David Edmonds and had Harry. They split when the baby was about two years old, and when little Harry was four years old; he decided he couldn’t deal with having an autistic child, and was never seen again, which was just fine with Cecilia. She got sick of having to be Little Harry’s emotional punching bag whenever his father would show up and go away almost the second he started getting attached to him. Her youngest sister Courtney moved in with her in 2002 right after she turned 18 to help Cecilia deal with the kids and help out with finances.
Gus gets to deal with the stigma of being the only boy in the family. He grew up surrounded by strange, hormonal women; almost by himself (since during the early years of Gus’s life, his dad was away a lot doing comedy shows around the U.S and Canada). He learned early on (no doubt from the nearly twisted guidance of his Uncle Lew) that the best way to deal with a bunch of bitchy, crying girls was to block them out. Unfortunately, he does this to his own daughter. Beth Murray was born in 1994 to Gus’s then fiancée, Christina. Not long after the birth, Christina hocked the engagement ring and ran off with a Navy man, leaving Gus and Beth behind. He’s been living with Wendy, who’s been helping him raise Beth. Cecilia offered, but he was pretty sure that all he had to do was say the wrong thing to her, and wake up with a missing limb.
Wendy’s arrogance at being the baby of the family was completely wiped out in 1983 when Courtney was born. Imagine nearly six years of getting whatever you wanted and seeing your older sister get blamed if you did something wrong, watching with sadistic satisfaction at your brother being scolded for a made up slight because he wouldn’t let you play with his chemistry set…to being told “I’m sorry sweetie, but mommy and daddy have to take care of the new baby now.” And “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times to stop trying to sell your baby sister to the neighbors.”
You know that old curse, “I hope you have a kid that’s just like you?” Well, the curse works. Ask Wendy. She had a little girl in 2000, and Toria is just like her. Only Toria hasn’t tried to sell any of her cousins to the neighbors. Although she did offer some homeless guy a dollar and a half eaten bag of Skittles to take Uncle Lew.
And then there’s Courtney. Courtney is nothing like her siblings, although she tends to share a lot of Cecilia’s mannerisms and views on the world. She’s like Gus in that she tends to be very quiet unless she’s drunk, but it’s for a wholly different reason: She gets too much of a kick out of how her family acts, that she is hard pressed to interrupt the flow. In fact, she knows what buttons to push and when, to get a certain reaction, or to keep the reaction they’re already on at a fever pitch.
There was one instance where Cecilia and Uncle Lew were going at it in a restaurant over whether it was morally irreprehensible to eat chicken eggs. Cecilia had almost gotten Uncle Lew calmed down, when Courtney slipped him an expresso.
Courtney slept in the car that night. But at least she got a good laugh out of it.
Courtney doesn’t have any kids, something that Cecilia and Wendy plan to assure never happens, even going so far as to threaten so sew up her uterus.

This year sucks. Sorta

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 08:50:56 GMT

Let's see:

Just before New Years, my black teddy bear hamster Hermes, passed away. FUCK!

Just after New Years, Joanne found her guinea pig Nibbler dead in his cage. Double fuck.

My mom's hamster Sugar died in February.

In April, my best friend Latavia's mom died. Pleh. First time I went to a viewing. Very strange.

In May, my friend Deb's son died of a drug overdose. Yeah, like that woman didn't have enough to worry about. She had just found out she had bone cancer, then her son offs himself with drugs. I didn't cry at the memorial service, even though I wanted to. My mom did though, so..

June was a double whammy. First, Carolyn died. Carolyn was our church secretary and pretty much did EVERYTHING around there. She had arranged that the kids get baptized. Then Mr Kim died the next day. I didn't know Mr Kim, but I knew his wife and grandkids. I went to Carolyns service, but I was busy setting up the downstairs alcove area for the Church Schools annual pajama party. Carolyns death messed me up for quite a while. I just now have managed to deal with it properly, although I'm still in a "I don't wanna do anything except eat chicken wings and fuck around on the computer, leave me alone."

I got two turtles last month, I named them Bob and Doug. Bob disappeared one night after my son decided to set them free. My mom found Doug immediately, but Bob was missing, believed flushed down the toilet. We found him that Saturday. He seemed fine for about two weeks, but he died Saturday night. It messed me up for some reason. My back started to hurt and it suddenly became too hot for me to sleep.

I can't actually think of anything extraordinarily good that happened this year. I got a new guinea pig. She's black and light brown and resembles and Reeses peanut butter cup. I named her Andrea. Mainly because thats what Andrea Martin would look like if she were a guinea pig.

When I got back into my SCTV obsession a few weeks ago, I suddenly found my undying love for Rick Moranis rekindled. But I tell myself, just like in the case of Gerard Butler or Bruce Payne, I'm not good enough for him. He's way too nice to need to be dealing with me. I'm a pain in the ass. Besides, its not like I'm anyones dream girl.

Anyway, time for chicken and sleep. I need to fantasize about whats gonna happen in my story and pretend that Rick Moranis and I would look cute together. Hey, just because I'm going on 36 doesn't mean I can't play pretend in my head. I ain't dead yet.

whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 09:14:13 GMT

(spoken, stanza 1)
Nigel C.
is all he is
and all he'll be
thinks he knows it all,
and he probably does
but he's wrong about me

(sung, twice)
Smelled his cologne as I walked by the bathroom
Smelled him on the couch he always sits on,
as I laid down to go to sleep
And I couldn't sleep
But thats all
thats all

(stanza one, repeated)

i wish i could tell him he was wrong
i wish i could tell him how i feel
but i never can
never
end

Oh hell yeah baby...

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 01:11:40 GMT

Star Wars Horoscope for Scorpio

You are a powerful character.
You tend to be possessive and lusty - which explains your greedy nature.
You feel threatened when people try to order you around or control you.
You are prone to suspicion and jealousy - but your resilience and passion get you what you want.

Star wars character you are most like: Han Solo

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

in other useless trivia news....Did you know that the dude that sang One Night in Bangkok is the brother of the dude that played Giles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

*licks Murray Head*

I was hoping for another name, preferably dutch, but Clooney will do

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:06:11 GMT

You are cordially invited to the wedding of

Marie
~and~
George Clooney

July 1, 2032 at 5 pm

Location: In dimension number 9

'What will your wedding invitation look like?'
(QuizGalaxy.com)

ohhh they have NO idea

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 01:11:54 GMT

Give it to me baby

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 23:39:12 GMT

COMBAT CARDS 2.1

watch crushedVelvet fight

CREATE YOUR CARD

It's getting kinda hectic...

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 22:15:48 GMT

Smelled his cologne as I walked by the bathroom
Smelled him on the couch he always sits on,
as I laid down to go to sleep
And I couldn't sleep
But thats all
thats all

MG, Dec 6, 2006

One excuse after the other

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 15:07:42 GMT

Oddly enough, this doesn't have all that much to do with Dave. It's more or less an explanation as to why I can't and don't trust men that much. It's not because I don't want to, but...

My parents were married about a year and a half before I was born. I was too young to really notice any discourse between them. When I was about 9 or 10, a friend of my dads started molesting me. He would use the typical threat to keep me quiet. On me he used "If you tell anyone, no one will ever love you again." (on my sister a couple of years later, he said "if you tell anyone, i'll kill your dad")

So, I inadvertantly told another friend of my dads, who in turn informed my mother. My mother, while she believed me, knew my dad wouldn't, so she didn't say anything to him. When the guy came back to live with us again, she tried to tell him she didn't want him there and why, and he accused me of making up stories because I didn't want him there, and accused of my mom of being stupid for believing me.

The curse works.

He ended up molesting my sister, one of my dads cousin Sandy's daughters, a friend of my sister's who spent the night, another friend of my sisters, and had threatened to rape one of my friends who had come over to do a science project with me. The first girl, she told her mother, who came right over and confronted my parents. My dad chose to believe his friend, who said he never came into the room. When I tried to say that I saw him come in there, my dad accused me of lying and to shut up or I was gonna get my ass beat. The woman more or less told my dad not to be surprised if she had not only the friend, but himself arrested for sexual assault on a minor, and have him investigated cause there were other children in the house. Dad told this friend to leave for awhile, but he could come back in a couple of weeks. My life was a living hell. I got called a liar up and down. One night, I was sitting by the phone, crying, and my little sister came up to me and asked me what was wrong, and I told her I knew Mark was lying, that he did touch that little girl, because he had done the same thing to me, but it hurt that dad wouldn't listen to me. She said "I believe you Ellen, cause he touched me too." It wasn't until another little girls stepmother made my dad file a police report against the guy that I thought anyone was gonna listen to me. Donna and Doug (the stepmom and dad) were the only ones who would stand up for me. It was a nightmare.

My dad got mad. You wanna know why? Not because this friend he trusted sexually abused both of his daughters, but because he never got the money back the fuck owed him.

I was used when I was fifteen by my best friends brother because I was a virgin. A few monthes later, when David fled the state after my dad threatened to have him arrested, his younger brother Richard, raped me when I was half passed out. My dad's friend Sergio, a few years later, used me to fuck when he was pissed off at his live in girlfriend.

Ask me where this makes any sense. It was okay for me to be molested, but it wasn't okay for me to lose my virginity, but it was okay for his friend to come over drunk and fuck me, even though he had a girlfriend? It was almost like...no one was allowed to touch me without my dads permission. It was almost like Mark and Sergio had permission to hurt me. None of this ever made any sense to me, until recently.

A couple of years after Sergio was Jim. I ended up pregnant with Joanne, and dad ran him off by saying he would kill him if he ever saw him anywhere near me. Dad couldn't handle the fact that the guy was the first guy that was anywhere near being kind to me than I had ever met in my life, he touched me without my dads permission. When Jim was successfully gone, dad went around and vehemently told anyone who would listen that I was nothing but a little whore who would spread her legs for anyone just to have a baby like my cousin. My dad packed up my brother and his self and left me behind in a home that I couldn't afford, cause he didn't want to be around a welfare whore (which is funny, considering he told me in the first place to get on welfare cause he wasn't gonna do a damn thing to support no baby) Luckily, my mom and my best friend took over the two rooms that were left vacant, and the rent could be paid.

Then there was Shawn, who, while he told everyone he had no feelings or any attraction to me whatsoever, and even at one point referred to me as his sister, used me to get off on two occasions when he couldn't pick up some bar bitch. Pat, who chased me down to force me to admit I liked him, only to turn around and say he didn't want a relationship, but two weeks later, hook up with his ex. Then there was Richard, my sons father, who made my life a living hell, even when he was in prison. When he was out, it was drugs and mental abuse. He even told me one night that the only reason he wanted to marry me, was so he could blow my head off in front of my family just to see the looks on their faces. I lost alot because of him. He blamed me for ruining his chances with the girl he really loved cause I got pregnant, so he just continuously punished me until there was nothing more he could do to me. I managed to get away from him once he got arrested. Only to find out he was banging this mexican chick that lived across the street from our apartment.

Then there was Rick, who it turned out was only using me to get his ex back. Then there was Don, who it turned out was all about the conquest, and liked to see how many of the waitresses he could fuck at the bowling alley. Then there was the other Rick, who pretty much just used me whenever his wife pissed him off.

I got tired of having feelings for people if this was what was going to happen all the time.

But thats not the end of the dad story.

When I was sixteen, I would travel around the Inland Empire (San Bernardino County) with my dad while he sold vaccum cleaners and whatnot. I thought spending time with him would bring us closer. One night, when we went to go pick my mom up from work, he blurted out something really interesting. He said he never really liked my mom, he just felt sorry for her. I had no idea why he was telling me this. He then proceeded to tell me that he would have left her after they got married...

Except she got pregnant with me. He talked about how much happier and better his life could have been if I hadn't been born, cause he could have left her.

So, taking that into consideration, it was okay for his friends to touch me, cause he knew it would hurt me. It wasn't okay for Jim to touch me, because Jim treated me right. And I didn't deserve that. I ruined dads life after all.

I know its not true. I know its not my fault. But can you imagine going through what you do, only to hear the father that claimed to love you pretty much tell you that he never wanted you? That your existance made his life a living hell?

And all this time, with him telling me he's proud of me, I have to find out from my sister that he wrote her this letter saying I was pathetic and useless and I was never gonna make it on my own. To find out that the only reason he and his wife did anything for me, was out of obligation cause I was his blood, but so that he could have control over what happened in my life. To find out that him and his wife blame me cause Quentin isn't getting better quick enough for their expectations. This man still hates Jim for leaving me, and made it clear that his aunt had no rights to Joanne in anyway shape or form because he left. Yet, he was the one that ran him off in the first place. You would think he would be happy. When I brought that up, he said that he ran him off cause he was a loser and not good enough for me. Does that make any sense? He did what dad wanted, but dad still hates him for it, and can't even forgive him even though the guy is nine years dead. Not that he has any right to forgive him for anything, he's the one that should be asking for forgiveness. But he will never do that, cause as far as he's concerned, he was just doing what he felt he had to do, control my life and who's in it.

I can't let him do that anymore.

Maybe Dave will understand now. Maybe he will understand why what he does hurts me so much.

The curse works. Mark said no one would ever love me if I told anyone. And he was right. Not one of them has ever loved me back, and the only one that did, was driven away, and died five years later of cancer.

I'm not saying its okay to molest someone. If someone molests you or someone next to you, by all means, stand up for yourself and stop it, do something. Don't worry about curses.

But when you have my dad and all this shit....you can't help but wonder.

This week just sucks

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 18:42:46 GMT

Ever since that conversation I had with Dave, things have just gotten weird around here. Joanne has been sick off and on with some weird stomach thing. I keep having dreams about getting engaged (I even saw the ring, it was silver with little light blue diamonds in it, about five or six, I think) and one other dream that I was either getting married or was married (to Nick Lachey no less...not that Nick isn't a cutie, he's just not my type. I don't want a guy prettier than me) And just alot of odd dreams where I can't really remember what was going on, just that Dave was in them or I felt his presence somehow.

Then Saturday, it got even weirder. Or at least disturbing.

There's a stray cat that wanders around the apartment complex, and she likes to just wander in out of nowhere sometimes. I blame Joanne, she has this thing about stray cats, she starts feeding them and they never go away. Anyway, this nice lady that we met at a Pet Shop had given us a 30 dollar white Society Finch named Snow. Her color is very rare. She was a doll. She used to talk at us all the time, and she would play this game with the kids, where my son would let her out of the cage, chase her around laughing, and then hide. When my daughter would find her, she would let Joanne pick her up and put her back in the cage. She would even sit on my shoulder or head when I was at the computer and watch what I was doing. She was fantastic, a real joy to have around.

Well, Saturday, the kids were playing their game with Snow, and it seems the cat got in the house when I brought my laundry in from the laundry room. Joanne opened the door to the room, Snow flew out and tried to hide, but the cat pounced on her. We managed to get her out of the cats mouth and get her outside. She didn't look hurt, just stunned, and I didn't see any bleeding, so I assumed she was okay. You could see her flying a bit around her cage, nibbling on her food and everything, but my mom said she noticed she wasn't chirping like she normally did. I thought she was just tramatized. Well, Monday morning, my mom said she wasn't moving and brought her out to me. My daughter then pointed out that her beak was turning purple and her breathing was really shallow. I looked up some stuff on the internet that said that it was possible that the cat had punctured one of her lungs when she was attacked, but nothing could be done for her other than putting her to sleep. I started crying, blaming myself and feeling disappointed in myself because I promised that lady that Snow would be well taken care of and I remember her saying that she felt it was a good match for us and the bird. I just felt sick to my stomach. I was talking to Robert in chat and my daughter was cradling Snow, and she died in her hands.

The whole thing just makes me feel sick. I can't help but be mad at that cat, even though I know she's just doing what comes naturally, I can't stop myself from hating her. All the attention we've given her and the food we've provided for her, and she just up and kills my bird as a reward? God, I can't even look at her.

I still haven't had my Skype convo with Dave yet. Monday he said he was really busy, and yesterday I got a message that his dad had an accident at work and he was gonna stay over there a few days to help take care of him. Which is completely understandable. His dad is more important than I am. He told me that I could stop pacing up and down the stairs, and I told him no, because I was nervous about reading the letter to him and scared about what he had to say. He told me he didn't see anything for me to be nervous or scared about and that he had a feeling I knew what he was thinking, but I really don't. He goes back and forth so much, that the only thing I know is that it could go either way. I figured him saying everything he said to me when we started talking again pointed to something good, and what he said about me not having anything to worry about was also good, but I don't know what to think about what he said about me knowing what he was thinking.

Okay, so how????

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 12:02:56 GMT

Present Card: Two of Swords

Marie, this card denotes a stalemate or dead-end in work, relationships or a legal matter. No significant changes or immediate solutions are being found.
-Self-denial. (not me, guess who?)
-Either you or someone dear to you is creating emotional barriers to protect themselves from love. (HA)
-You will need to initiate action and be willing to compromise in order to obtain a resolution. (what though?)

Boredom knows no bounds

Fri, 19 May 2006 12:18:38 GMT

I yoinked this from Kelly:

Instructions:
1. Put numbers instead of x's [ 1, 2, 3, 4..]
2. Note any comments below using a * next to the number.
3. Cut with "I have lived through ___ of these 161 things"

[1]I have read a lot of books.
[ ] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[ ] I have been to Canada.
[2] I have been to Europe.
[3]I have watched cartoons for hours.
[4] have tripped UP the stairs. (note: i was drunk)
[] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[5] I have played ping pong.
[6] I swam in the ocean.
[7] I have been on a whale watch.
[8]I have seen fireworks.
[ ] I have seen a shooting star.
[ ] I have seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I have almost drowned.
[9]I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[10] have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[11} I have had stitches
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[12] I have stayed up till 2 doing homework/projects.
[] I currently have a job.
[] I have been ice skating.
[] I have been rollerblading.
[14] I have fallen flat on my face.
[15] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[16] I have been in a fist fight.
[] I have played videogames for more than three hours straight.
[17] I have watched the Power Rangers
[18] I attend Church regularly.
[19] I have played truth or dare.
[20] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[21] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[22] I've called someone stupid.
[23] I've been in a verbal argument.
[24] I've cried in school.
[] I've played basketball on a team.
[25] I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[] I've played soccer on a team.
[] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[] I've played softball on a team.
[ ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[ ] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[26] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.
[] I've climbed a rock wall.
[27] I've lost more than $20.
[28] I've called myself an idiot.
[29] I've called someone else an idiot.
[30] I've cried myself to sleep.
[31] I've had (or have) pets.
[] I've owned a Spice Girls CD/cassette.
[] I've owned a Britney Spears CD.
[] I've owned an N*SYNC CD.
[] I've owned a Backstreet Boys CD.
[] I've mooned someone.
[32] I have sworn at someone in authority before.
[33] I've been in the newspaper.
[ ] I've been on TV.
[] I've been to Hawaii.
[34] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[35] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[36] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[37] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[38] I've watched the Three Stooges.
[] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[39] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.
[40] I've been called a geek.
[41] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[42] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[ ] I've hugged one or both parents within the past 24 hrs.
[43] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[44] I've written poetry.
[45] I've been arrested.
[46] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[47] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[48] I've had/have siblings.
[49] I've been to a rock concert.
[50] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[ ] I've been in a play.
[51] I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked first in gym class.
[] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[52] I've cried in front of my friends.
[53] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska.
[ ] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[54] I've had a fight with someone on AIM.
[55] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[56] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
[57] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[58] I've been forgiven.
[59] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[60] I've cried at a chick flick.
[61] I've cried at a non-chick flick.
[62] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[63] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[] I've been to a rap concert.
[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[64] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[65] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[66] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[67] I've been in a car accident.
[68] I've done drugs.
[69] I've been homesick.
[70] I've thrown up.
[71] I've puked on someone.
[72] I've been horseback riding.
[73] I've filled out more than 10 surveys like this.
[74] I've spoken my mind in public.
[75] I've proved someone wrong.
[76] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[ ] I've broken a leg.
[ ] I've broken an arm.
[] I've fallen off a swing.
[] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight.
[77] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[ ] I've lost my backpack.
[ ] I've come close to dying.
[78] I've seen someone die.
[79] I've known someone who has died.
[80] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[ ] I've done modeling.
[81] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[82] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[] I've realized how good my life is.
[83] I've counted my blessings.
[84] I've made fun of a classmate.
[85] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.
[86] I've been turned down when I asked someone out.
[87] I've slapped someone in the face.
[88] I've been slapped in the face.
[] I've been skateboarding.
[89] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[90] I've lied to someone to their face.
[91] I've told a little white lie.
[92] I've taken a day off from school/work just so I don't go insane.
[93] I've fainted.
[ ] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[94] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[95] I've been pushed into a pool.
[96] I've been/am in love.

Sick of headaches...

Tue, 16 May 2006 10:48:36 GMT

I started taking these fucking vitamins that are supposed to make me more healthy, but I've been getting these weird headaches from it sometimes, almost like I'm developing a fever or catching the flu, only I don't. So I don't know what it is. I don't eat very much now though, so thats good I guess. Too bad I can't afford to get it every month.

By July, I'll have the money I need to get to Holland in November for my birthday. I still have to get around to asking Dave if I can stay at his place. He will probably say yes, but I hate to assume. The problem is, if i don't find some work by then, I'm not gonna have very much to spend. 300 on my credit card, and maybe a bit to wrangle out of family members for birthday presents, but considering the Euro is a bit expensive, it won't be very much. But if Dave spoiles me like last time, I don't think that will be much of a problem. I just have to make sure I save some money so I can buy him dinner and a present for his birthday. (which is 6 days after mine)

Things are going well. He's been pretty affectionate lately.

I have to take Quentin to the doctor in a few hours cause he's got an owwie on the tip of his weewee. Poor fella. I might end up having to get him circumsized. He's not gonna be happy when that happens, I can tell you that. At least he stopped peeing on stuff when I told him I made the doctors appointment, so maybe that was his problem all along.

And the router on my phone crapped out. The assholes over at Vonage said that I have to buy a new one, which will cost 100 dollars, because the warranty is out of date on this one. Some service huh? Two years of loyal service, after shelling out all that cash to sign up on this shit in the first place, and they say "sorry, you have to buy another one". So, we have a choice. Either we can go out to Radio Shack or something and buy another one, or sign up on Time Warner's digital phone. Either way, I'm not pleased.

This totally puts a cramp on my job hunting plans.

Seriously, someone cut me a fucking break already.

I'm pathetic, I know

Wed, 10 May 2006 22:37:42 GMT

You care about me,
this much I know
I suspect more
but can't prove it
I can't make you love me
if you don't, and I know that

(chorus)
You tell me to get some sleep
You tell me to be careful
You tell me to take care of myself
I can't make you any promises
but I'll try, love
I'll try

I keep my feelings for you
to myself, only my friends know
how deep it goes
I've left it to God to work out
and I go about my life
I wish you felt the way I do
but I can't make you if you don't

(chorus)

The only time I felt alive was around you
hugging you made everything worth it
kissing you made everything better
My heart ached the day that I left
and I still feel it all today
and I don't know how I'm doing it without you

You tell me to get some rest
I don't know if I can
You tell me to be careful
I do my best
You tell me to take care of myself
I don't know how to
but I'll try, love
I'll try

I promise I'll try, love.

"I'll Try, Love"
May 10, 2006
3pm

Oh btw....

Sun, 07 May 2006 17:15:18 GMT

you haven't lived until you have seen a middle aged Tom Hanks, with a shaved head, wearing black leather singing "Please don't slap my testicles" to a techno beat with Andy Samburg, on SNL.

I couldn't breath when I was watching that.

Chris Parnell is still fucking cute.

Dear Someone

Tue, 02 May 2006 00:40:09 GMT

Well I’ve had dreams enough for one
And I’ve got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea

But I’m never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I’m going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...

Where is this place that we have found
Nobody knows where we are bound
I long to hear, I need to see
Cos I’ve shed tears too many for me

But I’m never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I’m going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...

On the wind soaring free
Spread your wings
I’m beginning to see
Out of mind far from view
Beyond the reach of a nightmare come true

Well I’ve had dreams enough for one
And I got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea

But I’m never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I’m going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...
Someway...

I hate my neighbors

Mon, 01 May 2006 04:26:16 GMT

I had to call the cops on the jerk, then he comes over here saying "oh, i never meant to disturb anyone, next time please knock louder and i'll turn it down"

So what does he do....turns it back up.

I'm too tired to care.

Dave did some meaningless teasing for whatever reason, and its hurting me. It shouldn't, cause you know...boys are dumb and they say dumb things offhandedly to make you jealous..but its still bugging me.

It's like yeah, i wouldn't sleep with you, even though i know i can trust you, but we'll see if so and so that has a reputation of being a slut, really is (wink fucking wink) cause i would sleep with her if she is.

Why? because Raven is fucking hot and i'm a gross old cow.

R> makes me wonder if Dean is a sl*t in ral live, well i'll see when she gets here :)
R> no no no sorry did i say that?
Me> uh yeah

Oh yeah, and I got the tattoo. I felt strangely more confident, I guess today I'm just really tired and I know how much every guy I ever met loves her cause she's so brazen and pretty.

Everything I'm not at all.

This song reminds me of....

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 20:16:30 GMT

I’m a melancholy man, that’s what I am,
All the world surrounds me, and my feet are on the ground.
I’m a very lonely man, doing what I can,
All the world astounds me and I think I understand
That we’re going to keep growing, wait and see.

When all the stars are falling down
Into the sea and on the ground,
And angry voices carry on the wind,
A beam of light will fill your head
And you’ll remember what’s been said
By all the good men this world’s ever known.
Another man is what you’ll see,
Who looks like you and looks like me,
And yet somehow he will not feel the same,
His life caught up in misery, he doesn’t think like you and me,
’cause he can’t see what you and I can see.

(repeat both)

this song is so me, i just need someone to dedicate it to me

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 09:18:42 GMT

You are here and warm
But I could look away and you’d be gone
Cause we live in a time
When meaning falls in splinters from our lives
And that’s why I’ve travelled far
Cause I come so together where you are

And all of the things that I said that I wanted
Come rushing by in my head when I’m with you
14 joys and a will to be merry
And all of the things that we say are very
Sentimental
gentle wind
Blowing through my life again
Sentimental lady
Gentle one

Now you are here today
But easily you might just go away
Cause we live in a time
When paintings have no color, words don’t rhyme
And that’s why I’ve travelled far
Cause I come so together where you are

And all of the things that I said that I wanted
Come rushing by in my head when I’m with you
14 joys and a will to be merry
And all of the things that we say are very
Sentimental
gentle wind
Blowing through my life again
Sentimental lady
Gentle one

You are here and warm
But I could look away and you’d be gone
Cause we live in a time
When meaning falls in splinters from our lives
And that’s why I’ve travelled far
Cause I come so together where you are

Yes and all of the things that I said that I wanted
Come rushing by in my head when I’m with you
14 joys and a will to be merry
And all of the things that we say are very
Sentimental gentle wind
Blowing through my life again
Sentimental lady
Gentle one
(repeat three more times)

Written by Bob Welch

Pleh

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 00:14:46 GMT

Problem One: Being three weeks behind on homework.

Solution: Solved. Got everything done by late Sunday night.
Side Effect: The next problem

Problem Two: Lack of sleep

Solution: Ended up sleeping 11 hours, give or take. Still feel a little tired though.

Problem Two: Mischa being a drunk know it all

Solution: I dropped a boulder on his head and chat and we talked. Everything is fine now.

What happened exactly?: I was fucking around in chat about Paul being a pothead and alcoholic (which is a daily thing) and Mischa jumped in and said
"thats really harsh Rosie, and that shouldn't have been brought up here" Which shocked me, cause I thought Mischa knew me better than that. So I left chat and didn't talk to him.

Problem Three: Bart is still acting very distant towards me

Solution: None

What happened?: Bart and I cybered last week. I was still very depressed over what happened with Dave a few days before, and I needed attention from someone, and Bart happened to have been around and I got more attention than I needed. Putting all the following factors into consideration:

A) How long we've been friends
B) That we've met in person
C) He knows I'm in love with Dave and that I'm upset about how he keeps zigzagging on me
D) I'm a fat, gross cow

Bart has to be confused. I mean....I guess? I don't know. He's the only one who knows how he feels. The only thing I know is that he doesn't play around with me like he used to and had taken more towards playing around with Stephanie than me, and he's been very quiet and businesslike with me now.

Probable Solution Time: Unknown

Problem Four: Dave

Solution: Unknown. There are several things that could possibly bring about a solution to the whole thing, but I don't know when any of that will happen.

What Happened?: Read this lj starting from march 24 onwards and you'll see

Probable Solution Time: No fucking clue

*cries*

barend sucks

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 07:17:35 GMT

O LITTLE cleft of coral
Grown about with daffodils;
Fountain of porphyry
Where the waters of Helicon gust,
I would drink at your waters,
Entwining my tongue
About the clitoral erubescence
Of your most secret passion.
Winding in and out
Draining, drawing,
Curving about the sardonyx mouth
Of the sacred urn;
Drinking, O delicious!
O thirsty devouring of viscous moon-beams,
Of mucilaginous starlight.
I gather your two rosebuds
And strip their petals
While eating your thrice extracted honeycomb,
NOW
O falling stars. . . .
Bathed in your liquid loveliness
Anointed with your adorable essence.

I probably shouldn't be pissed off, but I am.

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 04:59:41 GMT

Awhile back, a couple of years ago, I think, I started going into this chatroom of Billy Boyd fans, spent alot of time there. Met alot of really cool girls.

Now I only go on sporadically. A couple are on my list, but I don't seem them online very much. Last night, I saw one girl that I had gotten close to named Melanie, so we talked for awhile. She got a little weird, at one point said she didn't want to hear me talking about Holland or anything having to do with it anymore. I was like, okiee...so we started talking about her friend Stanny. She described her relationship with him, and I said that sounded like the one i had with Mischa and Bart. So I showed her a few pics of my friends. No comment from her, whatever. Then she started talking about how she liked folk rap and how she was watching this video that was making her laugh. I was half asleep at the time, trying to stay awake, so I got up for a minute to walk around a bit, find something to snack on. Suddenly, I get this message saying "oh well, i always talk to people, but they never listen to me. i guess i'll talk to you later. i'm used to this from you Loons"

(Loons is what us billy boyd fangirls call ourselves)

I was like, whoa hold on, I'm sorry, but thats not what I'm doing. Then she starts going off on me about how they all do it, that she's sick of being everyones door mat, how I always did that to her, etc. Until I finally had it with trying to explain to her that that wasn't what I was doing and what was going on. Then I blocked her. Stupid little bitch. Haven't spoken to her in over a year, and she wants to fight over NOTHING!!!

Then she puts a message on her msn saying "I stand up to myself for the first time in my life, and I get told to fuck off. Losers"

I never told her to fuck off. I told her if thats the way she wanted to be, to just assume the worst about everyone and think everyone was out to hurt her, then she could go ahead and have a nice life.

Stupid little bitch. I don't need that shit. I shouldn't even give a shit about her, but she pissed me off. She did that to me once before, when she met Jason Mraz, some singer she used to like so much, she left me a message, but I wasn't home. Then I got another message about how I never care when something good happens to her and I always ignore her and the whole excitement over meeting him was ruined cause I didn't care.

Whatever, head case.

Now I'm telling her to fuck off.

Dave was pretty pleasant last night. Talking about how cool it was that I followed his favorite football team from half way around the world, his favorite memory of when I was there, threw in a "babe" here and there, and when he got ready to log off he said he couldn't leave without first telling me goodbye.

Blah. The King of Mixed Signals. I wonder why I keep trying, a better woman would have given up by now. For some reason, I can't.

Tonight, he ignored a message I sent him. He seems to have this habit, no clue why. Whatever.

And this fucking cunt neighbor of mine constantly blasts her music all afternoon and night for the last couple of days. One of the fucking rules of the building is NO LOUD MUSIC!! Do anyone of these cretin pieces of trash bother reading? I never understood how people could deliberately be rude and inconsiderate. I fired off a complaint to the manager and the owner of the building, and still nothing is happening. I'm gonna start calling the cops on the bitch soon. It's nearly impossible to get any schoolwork done when this fucking cunt is forcing the whole building to listen to her music.

And I'm still a bit pissed that I caught Dave in a lie too. Don't wanna get into though. And he had promised to call me on Skype on Monday, but that never happened. Maybe I get wound up about it too easily, but it would be much easier to take if I knew I could trust him completely and he didn't keep ignoring my messages all the time. Something he promised he wasn't gonna do anymore.

A better woman would have given up on him. Why can't I? Why do I still give a shit?

i wish you knew Dave..

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 21:40:34 GMT

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I shouldn't be here, without permission
I shouldn't be here

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
I went down to the den
I found your cd's
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn't stay long

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I burned your incense
I ran a bath
And I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"
And no, it wasn't my writing
I'd better go soon
It wasn't my writing

So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
For the salt in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon

Alanis Morrisette

I'm not the past, I'm your future

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 08:09:02 GMT

It's so easy to be affected by the past
Letting past hurts put up a wall around you
You've been hurt so many times
You just can't let yourself go
I know how it feels, I've been there myself

(chorus)
You can't keep punishing me, because its not going to make it better
I'm not the one that hurt you
I may not be able to take the pain away
but I can show you what real love is
I'm not the past
I'm your future
please don't hurt me anymore

It's so easy to let what your friends say matter
There's a reason they are your friends
but when they start making you feel foolish
when they start making you feel like a fool for your feelings
they're not being your friends
It's probably easy to push me away cause I live so far
but they're wrong

(chorus)

(spoken)when love at first sight happens when you least expect it, when your life changes in the blink of an eye, when everything and everyone goes away with the brushing of lips, it can't be wrong, it just can't..there's a reason, there has to be

(chorus)

end

The End of Me

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 07:44:02 GMT

That's it. I've had it. I can't handle this pain anymore.

I have stopped taking my blood pressure medication and tonight was my last meal. I'm done with it. Whatever happens, happens.

I can't fight anymore. I'm tired of his zig zagging, him only caring about what his fucking friend thinks. If he cared about me at all, he would stand up for me, he would fight for me, to his friend and to himself. I'm tired of being punished because he got hurt in the past by others.

I'm done with this life and all its bullshit. I only pray he grows up one day and pulls his balls out of his friends pocket. That's such a horrible thing to say about him. He's a nice guy. But he's too nice to those that just want him to be miserable. He doesn't know how to spread it out or learn to do whats best for him. I hope he changes that one day, because if another good woman comes along, he will lose her too.

I'm sorry to everyone I ever hurt.